A day while I was watching a Ted Talk, I got to know a new, word “Introvert.” I watched and read about it more and more, and finally answered my lifetime question: “Who am I?” I mistook introverts with shyness for almost all my life, and suddenly I found the correct answer.
“I am an introvert in an extrovert world.” The most repeated sentence by almost all the introverts, and equally the most accurate explanation. At that moment, I experienced a feeling like finding my family after years. Indeed I found myself.
I kept reading about this, and surprisingly I discovered that no matter where you were living, be an introvert is an issue everywhere, and we had labeled; as shy people who should have tried to change themselves. I tried to change either. Although I always doubt why I should, I tried hard to change.
My childhood was difficult nobody understood me, nobody. I preferred to be with myself and made new scenarios and played instead of all the characters. In the eyes of other kids, I was strange. I don’t say that nobody liked me even I was popular among children. I could manage their arguments over the childish problems, and I had been able to suggest new games, but generally speaking, I was mysterious to them. To children, I was only a mystery, but adults were real problems. The reason I Saied that my childhood was difficult was, grown-up people indeed! They always judge my behavior and tried to help my mother. (People interfere in other’s personal life and call it to help.) I suffered from their comments. That made me feel I was not a normal kid, but I was just different. The point was they could see that I didn’t often talk, though they couldn’t see my thinking ability and creativity, and imagination. My experiments affect my mind. For years, I tried hard to change myself and even ignored my mental needs because I believed something was wrong with me. What I mean is the need to be in a quiet place after a while. Ignoring this could make me so tired and sad, but it was part of my approach to change, deny myself. I was not typical. I had to change, and it was the way I made myself pass. It is a long story to make it short; I lived as an introvert with the label of shyness.
The school was not easy either, but I found something new in it. I enjoyed studying, consequently found other study lovers too. Finally, there was someone and a topic to talk about it.
The school was challenging for me. I remember that in first grade, after a week of school, the place of the class had got changed. I was confused completely; I couldn’t find my classmates. I started crying. I don’t know it is me, or it’s because of being an introvert, but non-organized situations made me distracted. I feel I am lost. During the years and regarding the society I am living in, I’ve learned what to do, but still, it is a difficult situation.
Another problem with the school was the team working. I loved it as far as; teammates were as organized as I was; otherwise, it was just a mess. I never realized why teachers insisted that being part of a team and why they didn’t know about differences? They told me continuously that I was smart, but because I was shy, I couldn’t be successful so, I must have changed. I was wondering why a shy student couldn’t be successful? And why they valued speaking rather than thinking? I followed my way rather than part of me still remembered and even believed that I couldn’t be successful because I was shy, and indeed, I lost some opportunities.
My mom was always supportive; however, she wanted me to change, she accepted me as who I was. My dad, however, never accepted me. He is a wonderful father but a strict one. He always expected a perfect child; I was not only imperfect but also a different child. I never blame him, how he should have known, but what if he accepted me and wouldn’t try to change me, or what if he wouldn’t make rewards and punishments to make his daughter to another person? The fact that I wasn’t the child he had wanted; made me felt guilty, and the desire to change led me to failure. He saw my strengths, but my weakness was more important to him.
Getting older, I realized that I could speak in front of people with no fear. It was a question mark to me, how could I do that if I was shy? I was looking for an answer, but there was nothing to explain this to me. Then I visited a therapist. He told me that I was not shy. I was not confident. He was right after years of living with a label of shyness, and with people who wanted me to be changed, I wasn’t self-confident anymore. Knowing that fact helped me. I learned new skills which were essential for me. I tried to be more confident, but the problem was that I still didn’t know who I was.
Three years ago, before knowing about the word introvert, I heard about the Armenian Volunteer Corps. It was something that I wanted to do. At first, I was scared and whispered that I was shy, I couldn’t travel abroad on my own, I couldn’t speak another language because I was always worried about making mistakes. I was devastated, it was a lifetime experience, and I was losing it. One night, I decided to do that no matter what would happen. The worst scenario was that I probably would back home very soon. For me accepting this was very brave. I decided to go for it step by step. That means not thinking about the whole process, only focuses on that step that I am in now.
Going to Armenia was the best thing that I could ever do for myself. In Armenia, I realized that being shy doesn’t prevent me from what I wanted to do. Armenia helped me to know myself. I, of course, had some problems, but I learned how to manage, and when I should face my fears and weaknesses, and when I should step back.
After found out who I am, I feel relieved. I know that after a while, I need my space. I should be in a quiet place, I should think more, I should read or watch something, and more importantly, I realized that I must find people like me. I knew all of these, but I was trying to change it. Honestly, I had forced to change it, but now I know that I should not change anything because this is me. The bright side of being introverted is; I like interesting people. Since I love deep conversations, I will learn something new, intense, and extraordinary every day.
I think more and talk less accept me the way I am. It is me. I always come up with a solution, with a new idea. I only don’t talk as much others do.
